


The Hazards of Children

by theunlivedlife



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22592191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theunlivedlife/pseuds/theunlivedlife
Summary: “Crowley, if it is not the antichrist, why is there an infant on my desk?”“Well, I couldn’t leave him in the bin besides the hospital now could I?”Mostly Aziraphale and Crowley trying to cope for the two days it takes to get the Surplus baby adopted.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale & The Surplus Baby (Good Omens), Crowley & The Surplus Baby (Good Omens)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5





	The Hazards of Children

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thimblerig](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thimblerig/gifts).



“Aziraphale, It’s me. We need to talk.”

“Yes, I rather think we do. I assume this is about –”

“Armageddon. Yes.” He glanced over at the innocuous basket sitting on the passenger seat of his car. “And something else.” He hung up the phone without waiting for the angel’s sputtering reply.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

An hour later Crowley’s hands were on his hips and Aziraphale was nervously twisting his in front of himself as they silently stared down at the small red bundle Crowley had deposited on Aziraphale’s desk. With a self-annoyed huff Aziraphale forced his hands to his sides and finally asked.

“Is that him?”

“No.”

“No? Oh thank goodness.” The relief in Aziraphale’s voice was palpable. “You really had me worried for a moment there dear—” The relief dropped from Aziraphale’s voice as suddenly as it had come, replaced with an indignant tone. “Crowley, if it is not the anti-Christ, why is there an infant on my desk?”

“Well, I couldn’t leave him in the bin besides the hospital now could I?”

“The bin besides….” Aziraphale’s voice was faint before he regained his indignation. “That still does not explain why you brought it here, Crowley.”

“Your lot go in for that sort of thing right? Take in the innocents and set them up with good homes.”

Aziraphale went wide-eyed with horror. “No. Absolutely not. You cannot be suggesting this….” He gestured his hand wildly over the still-happily sleeping baby. “child stay here!”

“Just until you can find a place for him to stay angel.”

“And how am I supposed to do that? I run a bookshop, not an adoption agency!” Aziraphale grabbed a volume off his desk and hugged it to his chest as if to reassure himself.

Crowley lowered his glasses, serpentine eyes combining with a raised eyebrow to pin the angel in place and make him feel guilty he wasn’t being more charitable, before pushing them back up. “Well, it’s not like I can take him. A demon rescuing children, can you imagine how much trouble I would be in? My reputation would be absolutely shot.”

Aziraphale dithered, a hundred micro expressions flitting across his face. He sighed several times before giving in. “Well…. Fine! But only a couple of days until we can find him a good home.”

Crowley smirked. “Good on you angel. I am sure you will do just fine with him.”

“Not so fast Crowley. You are staying and helping me with him.”

“What?” he scoffed. “Come off angel. What kid wants a demon nanny?”

Aziraphale gestured his arms down in a frantic putting-his-foot-down gesture. “All the same, I have not the least idea what to do with one of these… squalling young humans, and you are going to help me!”

Crowley groaned. “Angel, it isn’t like I have that much more experience than you do with them.”

“Well, something is better than nothing.” Aziraphale glanced around and marched into the backroom. Crowley followed reluctantly, wondering where the angel was going with this. On reaching the backroom, Aziraphale snapped his fingers to turn Crowley’s normal sofa into a small daybed, despite Crowley’s small noise of protest, and the armchair into a cot. “There, that is much better! You can settle in then.”

Aziraphale marched back out of the room, leaving Crowley to stare at the altered backroom with a scowl on his face. He heard the tea kettle start to whistle a minute later, some scuffling, and the scrape of Aziraphale’s reading chair across the floor. He looked back out and sure enough, the angel had settled in with a book. Crowley shook his head with disbelief and was about to suggest getting sloshed instead when IT started.

From the desk came an unholy wail like Crowley hadn’t heard since the blitz. Aziraphale started so badly that he fell from his chair and his cup went flying up…. only to stop mid-air. At a different time Crowley would have laughed at the angel prioritizing his books and tea over falling on his corduroy behind, but he was busy covering his ears.

“Ah, SHUT UP!”

The wail stopped. Warily Crowley slowly removed his hands from his ears.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

What had been an unholy wail turned into a shrill shriek that would break glass soon. Crowley clapped his hands back over his ears. He looked to the angel for a clue how to get it to stop, only to see Aziraphale in the fetal position with eyes screwed tight and his hands even more firmly over his ears than Crowley’s own. It would be up to Crowley.

Sudden inspiration struck Crowley and he turned into a snake. That was already loads better with snakes’ reduced hearing at high pitches. Taking advantage of the fact Crowley slithered over towards the infant. It would have been impossible to get on the desk had he been a normal snake, but as it was he managed to get all of himself up. He raised his head to look down at the squalling infant and slowly curled his tail around it. He was so intently mulling over what to do next that with his limited hearing it took him a moment to realize the thing had stopped.

The baby watched him carefully, head cocked to the side like he was trying to puzzle out exactly what he was. A little hand reached up towards him and Crowley lowered his head to it. He was surprised how soft the little hand was and how warm it felt against his skin. Forgetting himself, Crowley closed his eyes to enjoy it for a second.

Which was when the baby decided to smack him on the nose.

Crowley reared back and bared his fangs out of instinct, just barely resisting the urge to snap. The baby let out a startled little cry, but didn’t scream again, though he watched Crowley more warily. Crowley felt a low sound vibration go through the infant’s belly through his scales, followed by it letting out a pitiful short cry. Deciding to take the risk, Crowley turned back into a human and froze in his crouch, waiting for the wailing to start again. The infant made some sort of sound and stared at him with interest.

“I am going to move now. I am going to miracle you some milk and you are not going to cry. You are calmed down now, and you are GOING to stay calm.”

Blinking little eyes looked up at him in response.

Slowly Crowley lowered himself down from the desk, trying not to retrigger the explosion. He miracled some breast milk, hoping no one in head office asked him about that particular miracle, and stuck it towards the baby’s mouth.

The little eyes continued to blink up at him.

“Oh. Right.” He thought about how the women at the park usually held their babies and carefully picked the potential bomb up. He knew to support the head at least. When it was settled he hopefully poked its lips with the rubber top.

He breathed a sigh of relief when the kid started drinking.

“Has-, has it stopped?” The note of terror in Aziraphale’s voice made Crowley smirk.

“I think it’s safe now Angel.”

The angel’s footsteps were very hesitant, but he finally got the courage to stand next to Crowley and look down at the infant.

“Is it supposed to be that red? Or that… squished?”

“It’s a newborn Aziraphale.”

“Right. I suppose that is it.” Aziraphale managed to give the baby a smile now that it was quiet. “Where did you say the child was from again?”

“Oh, just a little nothing town called Tadfield.” The baby turned away from the bottle so Crowley put it down. If Crowley wasn’t a demon the way the baby then snuggled into his arm would have made him smile. No, what he was doing now was not smiling, it was smirking at succeeding where the angel had failed. “Why do you ask Angel?”

“Hmm….. Oh, I was thinking it might be nice if he was adopted there. Perhaps he could meet his real parents that way?”

Crowley was about to explain that no, actually he wouldn’t, but Aziraphale continued. “Crowley, I saw that smile.” Aziraphale’s tone became disbelieving, “You like children, don’t you?”

“Me? Nah. A demon like children? All innocent and such, nah. More what your lot go in for.”

“You seem to like this one.”

“Only because one of us had to shut him up. Here you take him.” Crowley held the baby out to Aziraphale.

“No, I couldn’t.”

Crowley shook his head and decided it was time to get a little indigent himself. “I am not taking care of a baby by myself for as long as this takes. Especially when I had no part in the fun of making it. You’re the Angel of the Eastern Gate, you take care of the human.”

Aziraphale looked quite put-upon. “Well, if I must.”

Crowley showed him how to hold his arms and slowly eased the baby into them. After a moment the apprehension on Aziraphale’s face faded and a wide smile bloomed. “Well there. That isn’t too bad is it?” He smiled up at Crowley with all his angelic geniality. Crowley would be lying if he said later it wasn’t an enchanting sight.

Then the baby spat up on Aziraphale’s coat.

Aziraphale’s first instinct was to drop his arms and look at the mess on his sleeve, which resulted in a miraculously quick miracle on Crowley’s part to slow the kid and a dive to catch him. He landed with a painful ‘oomph’, shoulder aching from the impact.

“Oh goodness! Crowley, what was that? And look at the mess it made of my coat!” He held his arm out for Crowley to inspect, withdrawing sheepishly when Crowley gave him a painful glare from the floor. It took some jockeying to get off the floor without jarring the baby further and Crowley rolled his neck with exaggerated pops before answering.

“That is what happens after you feed a baby angel. I refuse to believe no book in the history of mankind has mentioned they do that after a feeding.”

“Yes, well. Maybe one or two have, but I didn’t expect to be so-“ he searched for a second, “messy.”

“Babies tend to be messy angel. Almost as messy as the situations that create them.”

Aziraphale ignored that comment. “Well, we can’t keep it here then. I won’t have it doing that all over my books.”

“Doing what?” We waved his hand and removed the stain from Aziraphale’s coat. Aziraphale shot him a look half of relief and half of warning. “Well, we can’t take it back to my place. It has to be here.”

“Oh fine.” Aziraphale pouted. “If we must. But we have to keep it from the first editions.”

“Whatever you want angel.” He placed the baby back in the angel’s arms. “Take the first shift while I get a few winks of sleep in? Try not to drop him again.”

Crowley sauntered towards the back door and Aziraphale sputtered. “Crowley? No. Crowley, I don’t know the first thing to do.”

“You’ll be fine angel. Hold him. Feed him while he cries. Read to him, that is sure to put him to sleep.”

The angel was still protesting when Crowley shut the door to the back room.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Twelve hours later both were looking a little strained around the edges and Crowley wanted to go back to sleep again.

Aziraphale, even, looked like he wished for a nap. “How do human women do this? It’s hungry every hour. Every hour and it screams like a banshee. Did you get any sleep last night?”

Crowley groaned and rubbed the stubble on his chin before wishing it away. It was normally the first thing he did when he woke, but the police siren posing as a small human had quite distracted him this morning. “A couple hours here or there. Please tell me you have a lead on a home for him?”

“When exactly was I supposed to look? You told me to take care of him. How am I supposed to do that and work?” Aziraphale whined.

“Alright Angel. I get the point.” He groaned. “Should I watch him today so you can go find a home for him?”

Aziraphale instantly brightened, making Crowley wonder if managing the brat was even worse than it had sounded through the door last night. “Oh would you? I swear, I will be right back once I have found a family.”

Aziraphale was normally fussy and took his time. He usually had to pull on his coat just so. He could spend five minutes making sure his bow tie was evenly proportioned even after hundreds of years of practice. He must have his lace his shoes correctly and double knot them.

He gave a quick smile and ran out the door.

Crowley blinked at the spot he was and looked back down at the baby currently happily sucking his thumb. He noticed the angel’s bow tie was a crumpled mess in its other hand.

“Are you sure the nuns didn’t make a mistake and you aren’t the anti-christ?” The baby waved its little hand with the bow tie. “That’s what I thought. Just a human. Far worse than anything they could come up with downstairs.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Aziraphale ignored the slight stab of his conscious as he eased the door of his shop open. The sun had long since set and yes, maybe it hadn’t been strictly necessary to have dinner with the couple, but it had been so gracious of them to invite him. Crowley would understand, surely.

He would never admit it, but it was with no small amount of trepidation that he glanced around the shop for the demon and baby. However, all was as quiet as the grave. The thought made him pause. Crowley had probably exaggerated, but surely a demon could be in trouble for saving a human baby. Or had someone from Heaven come to call and found Crowley there. This was precisely they kept the Arrangement to short social visits! Somewhat worried now he flew to the backroom and wrenched open the door.

The slight that greeted him stopped all thoughts as soon as they had begun.

Crowley had transformed the armchair to a rocker. He was fast asleep leaned back in it, glasses off and the moonlight throwing the lines of his face into sharp contrast. Aziraphale could just see the shadow of the baby peacefully sleeping on his chest, his little hand white against the black of Crowley’s shirt. Even in sleep, Crowley had one hand underneath the baby’s rump to keep him in place, and another on his back to secure him. Aziraphale saw it move and braced himself for more wailing, but the baby just rubbed his cheek against Crowley’s shirt and snuggled in more.

Quietly as he could, Aziraphale closed the door. He started his nightly reading ritual only to realize he had to forgo the tea in the interest of not waking his guests. It didn’t bother him as much as he would have thought. He settled in until they woke up and Aziraphale could tell Crowley the news.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“I’ll be damned. You found someone to adopt the kid in that little town.”

“Yes, and a delightful young couple too. They run a bakery. You should have had their croissants! I haven’t had ones that good since I was last in—”

“Aziraphale, focus.”

“Oh, alright. Anyways, perhaps they could do with washing off the baking grease more immediately after work, but other than that they are a lovely couple. They have agreed to adopt him and are happy to take him in as soon as the adoption papers are ready.”

“Adoption papers?” Crowley questioned.

“Yes, well.” Aziraphale fidgeted. “It is a small miracle and for a good cause. I am sure head office will not mind that or the small fund our orphanage provides to parents to help them get started.” Crowley snorted and opened his mouth. “Not a word Crowley. As you said, we do ‘go out for that thing’”

“’Go in’ angel. It’s ‘go in’.”

“In or out. The point is we can bring him over tomorrow.”

Crowley glanced down at the little guy happily watching in his arms after his bottle. Tomorrow was only a few hours away.

“It is too bad really. You would be a good parent.”

Crowley glared at him. “No one wants a demon for a daddy Aziraphale. Ask the antichrist when he’s older.” He softened his tone. “Besides, we would make good parents.”

The silence stretched. The one moment seemed to last seven before Aziraphale responded in a tone of forced nonchalance, “God parents perhaps one day.”

That made Crowley pause. That idea had merit actually. He put a pin in it until they had this one settled, then he could worry about the next problem child.

“Of course, we have to name him.”

That startled Crowley out of that line of thought. “What? Won’t his parents name him?”

“The said they were happy to keep his birth name. Do you know if he had one?”

He snorted. “Angel, they didn’t put a welcome sign around his neck with his name when they put him in the rubbish bin.”

“Ah yes.” The angel deliberated. “Sulpitius? Pius? Ciril? Crispian?”

“Too old-fashioned angel.”

“Umm….. Peter? Joshua? Simeon? Andrew?”

“Angel, do you want him to turn out like that lot and nailed to a cross?”

“No. I suppose not. Adam?”

“After the first one? Please. We don’t need another Adam changing humanity again.”

Aziraphale snapped. “Well fine! What is your suggestion?”

Crowley looked down at the little bundle, trying not to think about the impact naming someone could make. “What is the couple’s last name?” he asked to stall for time.

“Oh. Johnson. Nice classic name.”

‘Johnson’, an idea formed. “I think I’ve got a name for him angel.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Eleven years later they were on their way for a lovely picnic with their favourite eleven-year olds in the backseat. Of course, there wasn’t much competition since they only knew five eleven-year olds well and they were all squashed into the back of the Bentley at the moment.

“Just you wait Warlock. Tadfield the bestest place in the whole world. Far better than any place you ever been to.”

“I don’t know. I have been to a lot of places. My father takes us all kinds of places you know.”

“Yes, but Tadfield is the best.”

Warlock and Adam continued on and Aziraphale cast an indulgent smile over to Crowley. It never ceased to amaze either of them that both Warlock and Adam were determined to lead the group and yet never minded each other.

“Of course, there is Greasy Johnson and his gang.”

Crowley didn’t actually slam on any of the pedals, but it was a close thing. The car gave an odd lurch that made everyone jump, but after a few startled seconds Adam continued.

“He is the town bully. He picks on everyone because he is bigger than them. But he is just fat.”

Pepper chimed in, “His name isn’t actually Greasy you know. We just call him that because his parents own a bakery and he always seems to have baking grease on him.”

Crowley and Aziraphale looked at each other wide-eyed.

“Yeah. His name is Earvin. He says he was named after that American basketball player because they could already tell he’d be tall and strong, but it’s such a joke. He is so clumsy. He was hitting people long before he tried to.”

Aziraphale looked at Crowley speculatively, who was trying to shrink as far in his seat as he could while still driving.

“Crowley, that wasn’t really why was it?”

He stayed silent.

“An American basketball player? Really Crowley?”

“His father was an American and he was a championship player. I thought it would be good name.”

Aziraphale gave an exasperated sigh.

“Wait.” Wendsleydale chimed in. “You know Greasy Johnson?”

“You named Greasy Johnson?”

“Yes. Well… it’s a long story. See…. When they built the M25 Crowley here, crafty and clever demon he is figured out how—”

Crowley reached over and covered Aziraphale’s mouth. “He was born in the hospital with you two,” he jerked his head towards Warlock and Adam. “Afterwards they left him behind so we made sure he was adopted. And considering the history, I think we should invite him to our little soiree, what do you say?”

There were groans and protests from the back, but that didn’t stop the Bentley pulling up to a house none of them had been to before, Crowley going to the door, and a very confused Earvin Johnson jumping into the suddenly expanded back seat to join them for a lovely picnic out beyond the air base.

**Author's Note:**

> I will be the first to admit this one is rough around the edges guys. I've had a lot of life changes/difficulties lately that made this difficult to write and finish.  
> To my lovely request author, I hope you enjoyed it despite its limitations.


End file.
